I’m finding that this is the most interested I’ve ever been in being alive, the strangest combination of life and personality I’ve mixed yet. I’m utterly fascinated with all of it - My pain, my hysterical joy, my screw ups, one ups, and everything in between. I am standing back and looking, wondering how it has all found peace, how this absurd complication of feelings has decided to work together.
And they are working. I am a walking, smiling construction site. Inside it’s all hammers and saw dust and poorly packed lunches - but this time - I can hear my heart beating as clear as day through the drilling. The power tools working alongside the steady, slow release of my breath is music to my ears. And I am glad to be fixing and living all at once.
Not everyone understands the paradox of being present and lost all at the same time. It is tricky business teaching the similarities of the two. However, I am learning that confusion is often ignorance open to learning, and conversation is more productive than assumption.
And so - I will continue to be simultaneously present and lost and alive, and they can point mean fingers all they want -
Because skipping and singing and dancing in the middle of hatred and anger is exactly what it means to be a disciple of God. Everyone is going to be looking at you and saying “what are they doing” but they’re seeing something different in you, and if you keep being the sore thumb, eventually they’ll be so curious that they’ll join.