It was 6:45 am, the air rested on my morning skin with a cold welcome. That time of day always feels like no one in the entire world is awake, the sky is shivering in preparation for it’s big show, the trees standing still in anticipation of the winds arrival. We’re all waiting, still, and shivering, in limbo between the honesty of the night time and the facade of the incoming day.
I’d like to think of this time of my life as a bit of a limbo. I’m in between stages, I keep sticking my hands in my pockets because I’m not entirely sure where else to put them, what to grab onto, what to let go of. I’ve decided that this grey area coating my world is begging for me to dig deep in myself, have a staring contest with my flaws, sit down for a cup of coffee with my mistakes, the ones that gossip about me still.
I’ve been asking God a lot of questions. Most days I feel like a little girl, tugging on his pant leg, asking him what everything means. There is a peace that comes with letting ourselves be childlike, harvesting a sense of wonder only 5 year olds have, an endless curiosity. I’ve been finding a lot of answers in only places an innocent mind would wander.
This silence has made one thing very loud to me;
There’s one really big massive colossal question that God’s been answering for me, which is; ‘What am I supposed to be doing?’ This is a loaded question, one that’s also hard to decipher. I’ve heard it said that there’s a fine line between coincidence and God’s voice- I disagree. I think God speaks to us in the coincidences, in the ironies, in the the little accidents, the big ones too, in the limbos. I think God sees us reaching and he tosses us life preservers in the form of miniature catastrophes.
I’ve always struggled with people pleasing, keeping everyone happy, making sure everyone likes me. It is an exhausting task, one that we put on ourselves. Let me tell you this right now, God strategically hands each of us unique stuff. And he doesn’t give it to us for sitting around and looking at, he arms us with stuff to go out in the world and make something with it. We all have different stuff, but we all get to use it for him. And not everyone is going to agree with your stuff, with the things you have to say, with the way you navigate life, but if you’re using the stuff God gave you, you’re going to have people against you, you always will. It’s how light works, the dark is always trying to put it out. That doesn’t mean we should stop looking for more matches.
I think if you don’t have anyone against you, you’re too comfortable. Because when people don’t like you, it’s because you have a voice, because you say something they don’t agree with. Let me leave you with this; It is your choice if you want to sit on the proverbial couch of your existence, keeping your mouth shut so that no one can ever disagree with you. Or if you want to get up, clear your throat and shout out the things that matter to you. Sure, people won’t always like you- but let’s just remember that everyone has something going on. Rarely when someone is mean to you is it because of you. Often their heart is hardened, they are heavy, they’re struggling. And we all are.
Let’s just agree to soften ourselves to each other, make room instead of making arguments. And I want to make this one thing in particular heard, use the stuff God equips you with, be who you are fearlessly, passionately, obtrusively, and do it in his name. Because who you are to him will always overshadow who you are in anyone else's eyes.