THE BROKEN GIRL BEHIND THE COMPUTER SCREEN

I started to write a blog post today in a lighthearted, joking fashion about how it's funny that so many people only know me online but don’t know me in person. But then the truth of that hit me. Hard. It often feels like the overly twangy country song “I’m cooler online” by Brad Paisley is playing in my head. Like I’m walking around offbeat to this soundtrack that doesn’t actually fit any aspect of my dorky life. 

Which all rings true, it’s sort of funny how our generation works these days, friends on Facebook but never met them in person? Normal. Comment on each others Instagram's but never speak a word when you pass them in the halls? Normal. Which honestly sort of makes my stomach churn a little bit. If I could be raw with all of you strangers really quick, I have no idea who reads my blog or what light they read it in, or who they have made me out to be. What I do know is that if they haven’t met me in real life, if they haven’t sat down with me and listened to my squeaky laugh, if they haven’t heard me audibly speak about my struggles, my mistakes, my heartache- not just known of them through my writing, then I know that they essentially know me in half truths. And I know that it is impossible to sit down for coffee with 800 Facebook friends, or with every stranger that clicks on your blog, but I think it’s important to not put people on pedestals. No one has it figured out. No one has it perfect. We’re all falling apart in some way or another. I have wasted way too much time in this life sitting on the ground looking up at the stages I have built for people and set them on. No person deserves to have the responsibility of living up to a made up version of who they are. 

Having said all of that- I want to take this moment to share a couple real Kath things with you guys, so that maybe, just maybe I can become a little less of a person behind a computer screen and more of a real and broken 21 year old girl who cries when Target is out of the right kind of granola bars.

1. I’m an introvert- I love people, excessively, over the top love them but when I’m in social settings with people for long periods of time my soul shrivels into a teeny tiny little bitty raisin...Or begins to ferment into a nice glass of wine. Aka I get EXHAUSTED. I need my sit alone on my bed and watch spoken word poems for 3 hours kind of time in order to make it. 


2.  I’ve always been a professional at running away when life gets hard, tossing things at land mines and sprinting the opposite direction so I don’t have to deal with the explosion. And sometimes I think I got so good at running to see if God was really crazy enough to chase after me. He was. And now I’m the one sprinting after him. And let me tell you, he’s no jogger. The man has got some speed.


3. I care genuinely about the little questions. You know, ‘What’s your favorite color?’, ‘What’s your favorite food?’, ‘What’s your favorite quote?’ To me, that’s the fascinating stuff. It speaks so much more about a person than you’d think. People often brush those questions off like a joke, but I get excited about them. I think everyone should.  

4. I feel a lot of things, more often than not, all at once. I could pick up a pop can on the side of the road and write 6 pages about how much it means. 

5. I’m a really bad sport when it comes to school. Something about getting graded based on our ability to comprehend something leaves a bad taste in my mouth. People are not grades, they are just people. I love learning but not the false identities that tag along with it.

6. It’s a popular thing in our generation to be bad texters, to be slow to reply, forgetful- It’s normal, we’re busy bees! That being said, no matter how many times you’ve heard “I’m the worst texter ever” I triple pinky promise you I’m worse. I am the equivalent to a grandmother with dementia who simultaneously doesn’t know how to turn on a cellphone. 

I have this thing where I hate not being present. So if I’m around people or if I’m writing or laughing or eating- I need that moment to be fully mine, and texting just gets in the way of that. (I also might just be embarrassingly awful at multitasking.......) I’ll read a text and think “Wow that was great, I’ll reply when I’m done doing this.” Then the next thing I know it’s a Friday in February and I’m replying to a text I received in December. My friends joke that a “Kath text” takes 3-7 business days to get to you. I’m sorry, I really do still love you. 

7. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to be out of service, to slap a sign on my forehead that says “closed”, “come back later.” I would run out of fingers far before I could count how many times I have been under construction. I’m no construction worker, but I can tell you that I’ve learned that there’s no such thing as a finished product because God is always working. I like that thought.