A LOVE THAT REQUIRES BEING MESSY

There’s something about confetti hearts and deformed balloons that get me thinking, and my fingers start moving in lighting speed over this keyboard. 

I’ve been thinking back to 16 year old butterflies, I’ve been thinking about teenage summer nights and piggy back rides, goosebumps and speed train heartbeats. I’ve been thinking about all of the firsts and all of the excitement. I’ve also been thinking about the inside out kind of love- where your heart gets turned backwards when it’s not expecting it. The heartbreak stuff. When you’ve finally found a safe place to hide and the smoke alarms go off, everyone evacuates without telling you to join. But this year, that’s not the stuff I want to think about.

I’ve had my mind on something else, a different kind of love, a love that sucker punches me in the stomach, stops me in my tracks, turns me upside down and doesn’t dare tell me where I’m going. I’ve been thinking about this love that swallows me whole, tosses me into this huge aggressive ocean without water wings and tells me I’m great at swimming against waves. I’ve been thinking about this love from this chipper fella named Jesus. 

Do you want to know my favorite thing about this love? It doesn’t come with limits. It doesn’t have guidelines attached or a step by step process that I’m supposed to follow in order to get it right. It’s actually better when I mess up a bunch, because he knows how human I am, in fact he’d be suspicious if I did stuff right. He knows that I’m a mess, that I’ve got a lot of fixing up to do. He knows that my intentions aren’t always pure, that my fears get the best of me. He knows that I’m a shipwreck waiting to happen and he LOVES me for it. Wait someone loves me because of my disasters, not despite of them?? Danggggg.

He looks at all my shortcomings and he finds purity in them, he finds genuine intention and peace. He finds grace in my anger and grace in my failures. 

I love love. I think loving other humans is God’s way of humanizing himself here on earth, it’s his way of being present. I think this day is fantastic because love is this worlds form of magic, it’s the closest we can get to proverbial confetti going off in our hearts, the closest we come to fireworks not on 4th of July. But I want this to be a reminder that worldly love, the giddy butterfly kind of stuff, can’t happen here without Him. When our hearts find places to rest, when they arrive to a place and say “finally, I’m here”, that’s his doing, he’s standing in the background smirking and flexing a little bit like “Yep, I did that. I brought those two reckless fools together, and because of me, they’re free.” 

So, if you’ve got your person, if you’re celebrating 1 year, 3 years, 55 years, 2 months, 1 week- Congrats, I’m twitter patted over your love. Really though, guys, I love love. I promise you I’m living vicariously through yours. Sorry if you see me sitting a few tables away from you at dinner, I’m just trynna fit in.

But if you’re in waiting, I want this to be your reminder; God is working full time behind the scenes in your life, he’s working overtime for you, putting together this plan that is going to blow your mind. It’s so easy to get bitter in waiting but just remember that he’s got one hell of an imagination and once you see all the surprises he’s got in store for you you’ll forget you ever had to wait at all. This day will come where everything falls into place all at once and you won’t even have a single clue that it did. You’ll just wake up one morning and everything you see will look back at you differently, the world will be softer and God will be looking down on you cheesing about how well he did. Wait for that, it will be worth it, don’t take my measly word for it, take his.