I’ve been feeling really called to vulnerability lately. What does that even mean? Maybe it’s just a fancy way of saying I feel like a big ole mess and I want to tell everyone else so that if they are too, they can feel less alone. I don’t know, I guess I have this creeping suspicion that we’re all in our very own sinking boats. We’re just really good at acting like we haven’t spent the whole day patching the holes.
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re under qualified for your own life? Like you can ace the whole showing up part, you even remember to write your name down, but everything that follows feels like there was an instruction manual involved that you never read?
Me too, guys, me too.
Life is seriously the wildest thing- All of it’s seasons and stages and unspoken changes. Right now, I’m in what I like to prestigiously call “The blindfolded seasons.” (It makes me sound intelligent and clever, okay?)
I feel like God is the obnoxious friend who barged in my room, put a blindfold on me and didn’t tell me where we were going. And the entire time, he’s been giggling and laughing and saying “Step now!” “Oops sorry there was a curb there.” “We’ll put a bandaid on that later.” I’m walking like someone somewhere in between a toddler learning how to walk- just thrilled that they have legs, kicking them up and down, acquainting them with the feeling of the ground. And a highly intoxicated person, mistaking curbs for ditches and stepping too soon, too fast, latching onto random strangers, telling them they’re beautiful and strange and have bad shoes on.
Both of which way too honest. I apologize in advance. Not really.
I’m overwhelmed lately. Not the cute “I’m so busy and have so many things to do!” Type of overwhelmed. I’m talking the, “Wow nothing in my life is going anywhere, I’m completely frozen in time and space, and don’t know what to do with my hands.” Type of overwhelmed. Here’s where we’re at;
I’m twenty-two. I graduated from college. (THANKS, ME AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS ARE SUPER PLEASANTLY SURPRISED THAT HAPPENED TOO!)
I live with my parents.
I don’t have my license. Funny, right? It is. The best part, every single one of my friends is considered a legal guardian that can drive with me and my permit!!!!!! The not so funny part, the paralyzing fear that it’s rooted in. This is a conversation for another time.
I’m super unemployed.
I'm battling tons of old and frankly annoying demons.
I want to sit here and tell you ‘God is teaching me patience and trust through all of this.’
But that’s just not the case. Instead, He is teaching me something entirely different than He has ever taught me before.
Which is, acceptance. Acceptance of who and how I am right in this very moment. Acceptance of flaw. Acceptance of dysfunction. Acceptance of brokenness and idiocyncrisies. Acceptance of a mediocre life and a full, full heart. Acceptance of unknowing and surprises. Acceptance that I am way braver and louder and bolder than I ever chose to believe. Acceptance that I like who I am, even in the midst of endless uncertainty, I have never been more sure of the God who thinks I’m the freaking bees knees.
Acceptance that He is the one who’s got the wild, worthwhile plan. I’m just laying under the stars, smirking at the sky.
What a terrifying noun to call home, acceptance.