I was asked a rip-the-rug-out-from-underneath-my-feet kind of question the other day; ‘When did you come alive?’
At first I sort of looked at the person and thought, ‘Well I mean March 2nd 1994… Or at least that’s what I’ve been told..? I’ve got a birth certificate that tells me that’s true. But then I repeated the question over and over in my head until my body was filled with nostalgia and my exisence started to feel weightless. Let me rephrase that…
I came alive on an 18 year old summer night at 6 pm when the line between responsibility and adventure was hazy and my personality was still a little bit too big for my bones.
The entire world was illuminated with golden light. You know, that kind of light that stains everything it touches, making it seem like nothing could ever be dark again. The air was thick and warm cascading through the rolled down windows of a rusted white jeep. Jimmy Eat World sommersaulting through the car, the baseline shaking its seats. I was the co pilot of all co pilots and the ringo star of air drummers, stationed in my passenger seat stage. Barefeet pressed against the dashboard, the suns heat still warming the back of my head. I looked to my left, the drivers long brown hair tangling in the wind, escaping through the sunroof, another in the backseat bobbing to the music with a happy to exist smile on their face. The next sipping a beer with a secret smirk, the side of their face completely aglow from the rays, as if the universe had a spotlight specifically on them if only for that very moment.
And then I sunk into my own skin, still as a statue, my body halfway out the window, hands pressed against my chin. I know I was looking out at the road and the tall grass blurred into the sky as we drove by. The sun was drowning in the earth but its warmth still a halo around our car. I watched as it shrunk itself to make space for the moon, the mysterious darkness painted the sky and the moon stretched to be as big as it could, it took up so much space. So much space. And I remember feeling something like okay. Like I was really, really okay.
Then I was alive.