It's not been long since I've gotten out of a relationship. Some would call it abusive, emotionally, and I think that's accurate. The ups and downs were punishing. Some days I didn't feel loved and some days it was hard for me to feel like loving another was useless.
But then there were these days, the good days, that somewhat made it all feel good, almost like it was worth it. Don't get me wrong, my lover wasn't abusing me. Just the way our feelings were hot and cold, the relationship was the one inflicting the abuse. It's hard for me to look back and say that "it was so good for me to leave, this is better for me long term" etc. because I had so much invested in this person and the good days were truly good!
I guess my question is, how do you know? How do you know when to call it? Is it when you have more bad days than good? When you wake up thinking what if? This has been really hard. Any help you can offer is 100% more help than I have right now.
Trapped in my thoughts
I am a hopeless romantic. I believe 800% in the rom com type of love, the easy peasy kindergarten giddy kind of love. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you this genuinely a couple years ago, because of course I would have loved to think I believed in that type of love, but I just didn’t know if it actually existed. Then I had it. I had that kind of love, that love that was like cracking your neck, like coming home after a really long road trip- it just fit. We understood each other like we’d been friends in a past life. Our flaws got along really well and our fears talked to each other like they were making a peace offering. But we weren’t the right versions of ourselves for our love to stay. I didn’t have my ducks in a row, neither did he. So it fell through the cracks.
And since then I have done a lifetimes worth of thinking about love. And I’ve come to these little realizations;
First; The base that love stands on has everything to do with you and close to nothing to do with the person you are in love with. No matter how perfect of a fit you are with someone, no matter how right timing and lifestyles and morals and characters line up- if you aren’t completely sure of all your stuff, things will fall apart without you even noticing that they do.
Second; God. He’s gotta be in the picture. If He’s not, He’s just sitting on the sidelines watching you stack everything else in front of Him and counting down until it all comes tumbling. You can’t rely on a significant other the way you rely on God, it just doesn’t work that way, and it never will.
Third; Relationships are easier than we like to convince ourselves that they are. I think somewhere along the way we were taught to blame other people for our shortcomings. That’s sort of our first resort, somethings going wrong in our lives and heaven forbid it actually be something in our control of fixing. No, instead we put it on someone else and convince ourselves they’re the cause of it. When you walk away from that lie and you own up to all of your own stuff, your significant other does the same and the two of you can openly admit that you’re both pieces of crap sometimes, your jaw will drop at how quickly everything else falls into place.
Fourth; We’re human. Nothing about us is perfect, we are innately flawed and more often than not we just kind of suck. So of course a relationship is never going to be a walk in the park. But with every ounce of my being I believe that relationship was created to better us, to make us believe in the really really good things. So if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t bring you those things and seems to bring you more of the opposite, it’s not right. Navigating a good vs. bad relationship is a heck of a lot easier than we make it seem.
If you feel lighter and kinder and you suddenly crave being a better verson of who you are, hold onto that relationship. If you don’t, walk away. You deserve to know about all those good things. You deserve the rom com type of love.