Confused in my Thoughts

Over my high school career I've found it extremely difficult to figure out what to be happy really feels like. I'm surrounded by an abundance of people in my life that care about me and make me laugh, but I don't feel as you would say, 'happy'. This year I've had the experience of my first relationship (just hit 7 months). He's amazing, talented, and doing big things. But.. Sometimes I get so caught up in making sure he's happy that I've lost myself. As much as he used to make me feel 'good' inside, it just isn't like that anymore. I like to know that I can be independent but lately I've been too dependent and I hate it. Things have changed between him and I, and to throw in another twist there's a boy from summer camp who my thoughts haven't wandered from for almost two years now. We've caught up on life and I've realized that this guy hasn't left my thoughts for a reason... My thoughts are a huge mess and I'm in a position where for the first time in a long time I have no clue what to do. As senior year approaches I want to make sure that I have the right people in my life.. Please help my confused thoughts.


Hannah C

Dear Han, Is it cool if I call you that? I’m a nickname person :)

If you ask me, out of all the emotions in the realm of human ability, happiness is the absolute most difficult one to pinpoint. Because every time we think we are happy, there’s some stupid plot twist. Then the next time we’re happy somehow always feels much different than the time before. Happiness comes to us wearing the most confusing costumes and hiding behind the most unexpected things. 

I like to think of myself as a happy person, almost over the top happy sometimes. I really really love this whole life thing. But that doesn’t come naturally. I don’t leap out of bed in the morning dancing to upbeat pop music, my windows don’t fly open with the sound of birds chirping through my window and the sun hitting my hair, making it glisten in its light. I don’t sip my coffee with a giant grin on my face and high five myself in the mirror. Instead, I grunt and scoff and roll my bed headed self out from under my comforter and I stumble on over to my mirror to face the troll like character looking back at me in the mirror. Then once I’ve woken up a little but, I do a whole lot of convincing. I tell myself that things are okay and that I’m okay and that everything happening in this little life of mine is for a bigger purpose. I tell myself that if little unorganized irresponsible messy me weren’t here on this planet, something would be off. And after I’ve said those things enough times, I begin to believe them. 

Happiness isn’t some place that you can get to. You can’t wake up one morning, pull out a map and drive to it. You can’t follow guidelines or rearrange your life to look like someone else's. Happiness is a conscious decision you have to make every single day when you wake up. You have to decide that no matter what the circumstances of your life are right now, you will choose to be happy despite them and you will choose to take small steps towards ways that you can more easily access that mindset. 

When you make that decision every day, the roadblocks in your life that you can’t seem to find any answers to solving will start to be a lot clearer to you. And the things that seem like mountains right now will appear a lot more like flat planes to you when you revisit them. Boys are a big one of those mountains. They seem like everything for awhile. But my girl, infatuation fades and in the end being happy with yourself holds the utmost importance. When you can say with confidence that you’ve found ways to be happy, the right things will fall into place. They have a way of doing that. Until then, just know how deserving you are of happiness. 

Yours Truly, 

The Damsel