Thoughts

I just want to start of by saying that I have been laying here reading your blog for the past hour and I've never felt so connected with words before in my life. I feel like I'm reading my thoughts muttered from someone else's mouth. I'm 20 years old, and I've never felt more lost. I have a wonderful boyfriend of 2+ years. An amazing family, friends, and a beautiful new baby niece who brings me nothing but pure happiness. I'm surrounded by nothing but love yet I feel utterly alone. Sure, I work full time and I come home and I see my family and I stay busy and I don't think about it, but the second I'm alone or caught in silence, my brain just panics with sad thoughts about not living my life fully but being scared to leave my comforts to do so. Or never knowing who I really am. Or never being enough. My boyfriend and I are currently doing the long distance thing (3 months only, 1 month in) and this doesn't help the feeling. We want the same things in life true, but I don't know if I can tell you that we want them at the same time or in the same order, if that makes sense. I love him to death and I can't picture any sort of life without him. He does feel the same incase you were wondering. This man is my person. But I feel like I'm trapped in this life that I don't really want and he's making all these plans and I don't know if I want all the same plans. None of this is really making sense I know, but I just feel like I've completely lost who I am, though I never really knew who I was in the first place. I love my life I do, and maybe I'm just scared of it changing so dramatically. Help my scattered brain

Sham

My Sham,

Hey you. I love your confused heart and your confused head and all of the mess in between. I identity with them. I know you don’t think you’re making sense, but you are heard by me. 

Life. Freaking life. It’s a puzzle with like 800 missing pieces, isn’t it? And most days it seems like not one single person is helping you look for them. You’re just sitting there like, I just want to do my dang puzzle but I can’t even connect two pieces.

BUT this is where I’m going to start from- Our lives can’t be solved from where we’re at. There is a much bigger story happening and we are living smack dab in the middle of the sentence being written. We haven’t got a clue what the end of the sentence is like. Attempting to live life writing the end of the sentence before you’ve gotten to it is like going through a carwash with all your windows open. (That comparison seems very irrelevant but I’m trying to insinuate disaster and apparently that was the most disastrous thing I could think of.) Basically what I’m saying is, something will always feel a little bit out of place and things are bound to feel messy, but that doesn’t always mean you are doing something wrong. You’re just hanging out in the middle of a longer sentence.

The best advice I could give you is just to appreciate where you’re at as much as you can, no matter how confusing and lopsided it is. Set aside time to get to know yourself better everyday, don’t be afraid to tweak parts of your life that don’t better you. If that means cutting people out of it, eventually they will make sense of it, do it for you because you believe in it. Breathe deep, step into your character with 100% confidence that it was built just for you- and believe it. You are doing so much better than you think you are.

Yours Truly,

The Damsel