I guess this is just more of a one-sided heart to heart than a question.
A few days ago I read “The Year Of Charades” and I haven’t got it out of my head since.
"This year I stopped at a lot of green lights and I lost a lot of maps. This year I asked a lot of people how to get home."
Almost a year ago I got out of a relationship that I thought I couldn't live without. I truly thought he completed me as a person. Of course, I'm looking back after all this time and wondering how I could have ever thought that. I can see now that we were in a relationship full of jealousy, bitterness and anger when you dug down deep. It lacked Jesus. He was my first everything and my whole world for two+ years and I was devastated when we called it quits. For months I would wake up and feel like there was a crater-sized hole in my chest.
I was such a lost soul for a long time after that. I can't even look back on it now without flinching a little. I was searching so desperately for another him, or at least another someone. I would try to hold on to so many things (and people) I knew weren't meant for me or good for me but at the time I didn't really care. I was just looking for something to fill the hole that was left. A lot of things walked in and out of my life in that time and it just ended up causing more heartbreak and a deeper hole. For almost three years he was such a large part of who I was. At 16 I created my world to revolve around the relationship I was in and I didn't know any better after that.
I am in awe everyday of how a heart can heal and how the mind can forget. I thank Jesus every day that he pulled me out of the hurt I was in and carefully mended my heart back together and showed me the good in the situation looking back. If I had a conversation with who I was a year ago, I wouldn’t even recognize the person standing in front of me. But thats okay, because that is what God intended for me out of the last year. Sometimes I wonder why he even places people in our lives when he already knows it going to end in a pile of broken pieces, you know? But thats just how he works I guess. Its amazing to finally come to terms with and understand that after feeling a lot of bitterness for so long. It’s a weight lifted.
"I think there is so much living to be found in the getting pulled back, the in between of running from mistakes and running to God. In that gap we find out so many things about ourselves. When we finally get removed from a situation that wasn’t bettering us but we’re not quite to the place of contentment, we build a piece of character. We find so much character in the times that are uncomfortable, the times that hurt, the times that make us want to crumple into a ball and hide away. God finds us there. Character follows.”
Thank you for writing the words that have been on my heart for so very long. God is using you. Keep writing, stay you.