I have been in a serious relationship for almost 5 years now. In the beginning it was great and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy. Now I am not sure. I love him so so much, but I feel as though our relationship may be toxic to both of us. We fight a lot more now than we ever used to. And these fights about small things turn into huge things. I dont like being around him when he drinks because things get out of hand really fast. It has only gone as far as physical abuse once and I dont even know if I would consider it physical abuse because it didnt hurt. It was just really scary. But I love being around him when he is sober and we arent fighting. He is one of my best friends and I dont think that I would be able to find anyone else that I care about this much, or that would care about me this much if we were to break up. I wouldnt even know how to go about initiating a break up if I felt it was necessary… I just dont know if what we have can be salvaged or if I should let it go. Im hopelessly lost and cant seem to get it off my mind.
Dear Hopelessly Lost,
I’ve been coming back to this message over and over again throughout the past couple of days and each time I re-read it I hurt a little bit more for you, my girl. I know the feeling of uncertainty all too well. And it is the sharpest of pains. It’s one thing to be coming up against a direct problem, something easily defined. There’s more of an a plus b kind of a solution. But when it feels like the floor you’re standing on is slowly imploding, there’s no easy way to pinpoint where to go from there. All that I know is that I have learned in life, we have control over what we allow to hurt us. It doesn’t always seem that way, but if a situation is toxic, we have the power to pick up our own heavy hearts and carry them back to a safe place.
Love deludes our senses, everything becomes much less decipherable and we’re left on the fence any time there’s a conflict because, well, at the end of the day there’s love and that typically trumps all previous arguments.
But my girl, abuse is abuse. And there is no gentle way to say that word. There is no mask to put on it that makes it okay, that dulls it down. Abuse is darkness. My love, please never downplay your pain. No matter what kind of a word you put before it, any kind of abuse is completely unacceptable and you do not deserve anything to do with it. You have so much value, so much good and he is drowning it out, hiding it away so you are no longer able to find it.
I know that five years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer, and you would be doing your happiness a disfavor by staying with him. You need to do what's best for you. Three years down the road, your heart will thank you. You have the courage. You're a badass chick and you're bout to take control of your own happiness. I believe in you.