I am 21 years old and have been struggling with this disorder for 5 years. I thought I could recover I thought I could learn to love myself, I thought it would get better. But I havent been able to recover even after so many tries, sometimes I don't want to recover, I hate myself and things have gotten worse. Every single day it is a war with my mind and my body and I hate it. I doubt any guy will ever love me...
I don't expect you to be able to help.. I just wanted to tell someone without actually taking.
There are so many things I could tell you right now to try to make you understand how radiant you are, how loved you are, how cared for and cherished you are. But I’ve been where you are and the cold hard truth is that no one but yourself can make you believe you those things. People telling you to get better is the suckiest thing. You already want to get better, you don't want to hear it from everyone else. You have to ache and fight and cry ugly tears, you have to lay awake at 3 in the morning and feel your heart beating outside of your chest. You have to battle the mirror and fight your demons off with weapons built out of your own desire to get better. Until one morning you wake up and it feels as if overnight you soaked in a bath of all the loving words you’ve ever been told, and you suddenly believe every single one of them. Because you should. You really should.
My girl, I know at times it feels like there is no light, there is no end to the darkness you feel. But darkness is a coward. It eats at us thinking that it will eventually make us disappear, but there is a light in you, one that will never go out, one that the darkness will never be able to defeat. It is small, and it is hidden, but it appears each time you laugh, every time you listen to a song that you love. If you don’t remember anything else, please just carry this with you, even when you can see no light, hold tightly to the small yet fierce one in you.